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Sample chapter

The Quick Quiz

Here is a self-assessment. In each row you have Column A and Column B. Together they add up to 10.

Put a score in both columns. For instance if A = 10, then B = 0. If A = 8, B = 2. If A = 4, B = 6. Don't think about it too much — just put down your first response.

When you have completed all the rows, add up your scores in column A (Total A) and column B (Total B). Your final score is Total A − Total B.

Then discuss the results with your partner.

  • Does the overall score fit her perception of you?
  • Does she agree with your answers to specific questions?
  • Where are the areas you would like to work on?
  • What are the areas she would like you to work on?

Absolutes

  • I talk specifically about what bothers me.I generalise a lot.

Oral sex

  • I can easily identify what I am feeling.It's hard to recognise what I am feeling.
  • I express my feelings in personal 'I' language.I express my feelings through blaming 'you' language.
  • I speak my limits.I react when I feel overwhelmed.
  • I express my feelings without a silent demand.I expect her to do something about it when I express a feeling.

Red and hot

  • I express my resentments in a straightforward, direct way.I keep my resentments to myself.
  • I express my anger cleanly.I express my anger through intimidation, indirectness, or sulking.

Women's wisdom

  • I am good at listening to her opinions.I find it hard to listen to her opinions.
  • I trust her intuition, and am willing to look for the grain of truth in it.I don't trust her intuition and prefer purely rational debate.

Aural sex

  • I can listen without giving advice.I need to offer my solutions when I hear her problems.
  • I can listen to resentments without justifying or explaining.I get defensive and don't have much ability to listen to resentments.
  • I can say 'I hear you are feeling…' and leave it at that.I don't have much patience for feelings: if something is wrong, let's do something about it.
  • I use my skillful questions and intuition to decipher coded messages.I try to understand her logically and get confused by coded messages.

Cry me a river

  • I make space for her tears, and deal with my discomfort.I can't stand her tears. Why can't she just face things squarely, like me.
  • I show my vulnerability and pain to her at times.I prefer to stay in the strong role — that's how men are different than women.

The keys

  • I find out what are the keys she needs when she closes the door.I remain in the dark as to what on earth to do when she closes the door.

A common language

  • I am willing to find a common language by going to a workshop or reading a book.No way you will find me going to a workshop, with my partner or without.

Who are you?

  • I have a clear idea of where my growing edges are.I'm right, Jack. Don't tell me about what I need to change.

Therapy for success

  • I have a friend, mentor or therapist who challenges as well as supports me.I don't look for a personal challenge from anyone. It's the people around me who need to change.
  • When things are difficult I go to couples counselling — in fact, I go even when things aren't so bad, for enrichment.No matter how hard things get, I won't go see a couples therapist. I'd rather wait until it's too late.

The blessing of criticism

  • I can listen to criticism non-defensively.I get defensive when I hear criticism.
  • I attack behaviour, not the person.I make personal attacks when I am being critical.
  • I offer my criticism in short pieces.I save up my criticism and give it all at once.
  • I include my own feelings when criticising.I make the criticism all about her.
  • I can take responsibility for my part in a problem.I am not willing to look at the possible substance in her criticism.

Appreciation

  • I frequently take a moment to appreciate my partner.I think she should know that I appreciate her, I don't need to tell her.

Taking seriously

  • I am willing to take her concerns seriously.I dismiss her concerns. She'll be right.
  • I deal with problems as they come up.I try to put off or avoid dealing with problems.

Magic words

  • I tell her 'I love you' at least 3 times a week.I think she should be able to tell I love her from what I do.

The bitch

  • When she is moody I give her space.I try to cheer her up when she is moody.
  • When she is moody I sidestep any swipes she makes.I tend to react or try to justify myself when she is moody.

Apologising

  • If I stuff up, I apologise.I don't like to apologise. If I have to, I do so reluctantly.
  • I make simple apologies.I add justifications onto my apologies.

Flexibility

  • I accept that she is going to be like the changing weather.I insist that she be the same person she was yesterday.

Projection

  • I am willing to look for the grain of truth in her projections, and own it.I automatically refute her challenges or accusations.
  • I check out my beliefs about her thoughts, feelings or motivations.I assume my perception is the truth.

This is an abridged version of the full quiz from the book — which contains additional categories on the family of origin, in-laws, the wounded child, patterns, anxiety, resistance, negotiation, empowerment, peas in a pod, viva la difference, expectations, boundaries and more.

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This is one of fifty-one chapters in Understanding The Woman In Your Life.

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